Monday, October 4, 2010

Reflections from healing and transformation seminar

Please excuse any innacuracies. The information here is filtered through my limited comprehension and/or inability to express my thoughts.

I took a two-day seminar this weekend with Dan Siegel, an interpersonal neurobiologist and Jack Kornfield, a leading buddhist teacher and founder of Spirit Rock. It was a conversation between these two men looking at the union between Eastern, Buddhist, thought, and modern scientific study. Much was discussed. Much was questioned. Experiences were had. It was amazing. It was quite somatic :)

I was most moved by Jack, who with an open heart, referenced thousands of years old Buddhist texts, told stories/jokes and guided us through meditation to help connect with deep places of healing within ourselves. I appreciated the way he acknowledged humor as a pedagogical method. “Get them to laugh and when their mouth is open, drop in a bit of wisdom”

Dan Siegel on the other hand inspired my western pedantic training and while Jack was thumbing through poetry books for passages by Mary Oliver and Rilke, Dan would cite study upon study that is our burgeoning body of knowledge for mindfulness practices.

He talked about mystery. The mysteries that have held back modern scientific pursuit. The fallacious mind body split that leads to division rather than unification, to rigidity rather than fluidity. The mystery of what exactly is a healthy mind? What exactly is a mind? What is Attention and from there, how do we use attention to help bring someone to a healthy state. From a healthy individual, how do we create healthy culture and society?

We talked about parenting, attachment disorders and how certain developmental failures can lead someone towards developing PTSD in response to trauma. We talked about resource states and helping someone recovering from trauma learn to expand what Dan referred to as their ‘window of receptivity’ meaning how do you get someone to slowly acknowledge the trauma they’ve experienced and let it heal without retraumatizing them?

We talked about organisms as energy and information. We all are descendants of the big bang, right? The brain then, is simply a system that helps organize the flow of energy and information. We can use attention to bring conscious awareness to areas that are stuck or chaotic (Rigidity and chaos being the telltale signs of dis-ease). With modern imaging capabilities, studies are showing that as we become mindful, our brains start working in a more integrated fashion. The parts of our brain that are responsible for and require integration; the limbic system and the corpus callosum for example, repair themselves through mindfulness/somatic techniques. Therefore, it was proposed that a healthy state is an integrated state: a state of wholeness. This is by no means a new idea. This is the oldest idea out there, but how exciting to see Doctors and Academics starting to look at and study this soft t truth.

Also, if we are made up of energy and information then to understand the processes and happenings in our system we need to have an understanding of quantum physics because Newtonian physics stop working at the subatomic level. Dr. Siegel proposed that to understand the workings of the brain; we need to be thinking of probabilities. It works something like this; a healthy mind fluctuates between a state of neutral (rest) and a state of excitability (action or thought). Our past experiences prime us towards certain spikes in action. With trauma, the plateaus or primed states keep us from getting back to a neutral position and predispose us to reliable/limiting patterns of thought and action.

I imagine that moving forward, this will be linked with posture. For what else is posture than a state of probability, or a primed action? I’ve learned to see stuck emotional states, dysfunction, held injuries in chests, shoulders hips and knees that have been held so long the person doesn’t even realize they’re still holding. I suspect and hope that there is room in this new field to look at these connections.

Walking in with a dubious, critical mind, I was disarmed again and again the way both Dan and Jack wisely linked all the necessary parts, answering questions with compassion and a decent serving of humility. There was much talk about a need for language that discharges limiting notions of spirituality and religion. There was also a great deal of time spent showing how studies from across the academic plane are in confluence and therefore strengthen their individual findings. I closed my eyes and could hear Thomas Hanna up on stage talking about Somas and human empowerment. Why did he use the word Soma? Because body, mind, soul are limited/deconstructed/disintegrated. But on the other hand, if you want to reach people, you need to use words that they understand so how about mindfulness, attention training?

I got to share my experience with some beautiful people on the front line in various ways. But shit, who isn’t on the front line? If you live in this world and you interact with people, you’re on the front line, whether you’re a clerk at a gas station, a first grade teacher or leading a squadron of marines into combat. We all benefit from understanding ourselves and operating from a place of centeredness and health.

It was all immensely healing for myself and exciting to see that this is not a resistance or an alternative theory, but rather the natural progression of slow scientific progress. In that sense, there was necessity but not urgency. Whether we want to or not, this transformation of thought and clarity of understanding is happening and will continue to have profound and unexpected results.


Tuesday, July 27, 2010

this morning, sitting with you

Meditating this morning, sitting, feeling, sensing is nothing more than everything. I am looking for continued life lessons in how to not try so hard, and how to run through walls and not into them. It doesn't get much easier than simply sitting and observing.

I'm a very active person and tend to like my lessons learned hard, through injury and recovery, through speeding tickets, through eyes burned red from jalapeno pepper oil. I'm also realizing more and more that this might not be the easiest path to self actualization and realized dreams.

But in meditation, I find these lessons through healing. This morning, I am reminded of the universal truth that everything is not good or bad, it's simply wonderful in its vacillating state. There's no need to try to create an outcome and clinging to that outcome only serves to perpetuate suffering in myself and others. But by sitting and simply observing, relaxing all necessity and just enjoying the experience inside this body, the unfolding of events can be witnessed, enjoyed even, without judgement, condemnation.

I had this experience before, when learning this meditation technique, Vipassana. There was a feeling of being wrapped in the nurturing warmth of a compassionate parent. There was memory of strong hurts, ages old, perhaps centuries old being eased. There were no tears but just the sweetness of relief that comes after hours of crying.

I'm reminded that the conscious brain, our sensory motor cortices are inhibitory centers. With Hanna Somatics, we use a voluntary motor action to bring up a conscious sensation. With that conscious sensation, involuntary muscular contraction can be eased. Years of built up tension starts to soften.

In my intentional sitting, I feel that inhibitory action. I feel my involuntary compulsions/clinging start to relax. I feel everything and whatever I feel eases. I feel deeper than muscular levels, into the culture, the history and the future. As consciousness expands, the clouds of discomfort, the sludge of personal slights/global injustice and aggression to ourselves and our planet wash away as if from a late afternoon thundershower and reveal underneath the compulsive regenerating force that is always present and patiently awaits inevitable changes of life.

And I'm temporarily calm, and beautiful and loving of the mission and it's hipsters, its homeless, its trendy bars, dingy taquerias, and frenetic youth.

Perhaps the mission, the universe, you are temporarily loving of me too. Or perhaps that love is there continuously and I just have to keep sitting.

Saturday, January 23, 2010

Darkness is not the opposite of Light

so the line on the wall said. It is merely the absence of it.

Wise words for a graffiti artist in the mission. But then again, a graffiti artist can appreciate this, the way sunlight or the absence of obscures, changes, illuminates their work of art. Or the way a dark cloud or passing truck temporarily blocks the light; bringing darkness.

There’s an idea I read recently, in physics, about the known unknown. That is, we can understand fully what happens only in the places that light can reach. We can understand what happens on the borders, where light stops. Furthermore, we know that there is something,theoretically, beyond the range where there is light but we cannot know what that something is. Light, vibrating waves or beaming photons(depending on how you look at it), is the thread of space and time. Without light, there is nothing.

I had a personal experience with this recently. I took a course in Vipassana Meditation, a form of buddhist meditation where the goal is insight, deep wisdom about yourself and the world. In this technique,the first focus of your wisdom is yourself. To observe, objectively what is happening within your body. You observe your body as if it were something external from you, arms legs, torso. “no me, no my”. You observe and you observe and you observe curious things. You observe areas or your body that feel somewhat nice, the subtle sensation of vibrations, tinglings, warmth, energy flowing like water passing over rocks in a river. You observe areas where there is intense sensations like pain, burning, stabbing, a leg falling asleep, sharp tinglings where you want to itch and itch and itch. You’re taught that these are distractions, the seeds of misery and suffering. To react would only multiply and further the suffering and misery. So you sit and just observe. and then you notice other areas where you feel…. nothing. A whole section of your face, missing. Some fingers, missing. A whole foot, missing. What a curious thing. You saw yourself in the mirror earlier that day and were sure that you looked whole, complete. There were no holes in your face, you ate breakfast with all your fingers, you walked on two feet. But internally, there is nothing.

And this nothing is not the opposite of something, for that too would be something. It’s not numbness I’m talking about, numbness is certainly something and for sure, there is numbness in places. What you experience is the absence of something and what that absence leaves; nothing.

I wasn’t surprised by this. As a Hanna Somatic Educator, I’m very familiar with Sensory Motor Amnesia;a forgetfullness of how to voluntarily move and consciously feel an area of your body. My intellectual side was fascinated by this phenomenon of my nervous system. What sensory motor amnesia means is that movement and sensation are linked together. Meaning; as movement decreases, as an area of the body becomes rigid, sensation decreases as well. When the flow of energy and movement no longer reaches certain muscle fiber, it’s as if they cease to exist. You can feel the areas around them. If they are rather superficial, lieing close to the surface, you can touch them with your hand. But until sensation is recovered, voluntary movement cannot happen. Until movement is returned, it’s as if they are gone.

and I see this quite often in my work with trauma recovery. A person has been injured, suffered abuse, broken bones, surgery and in a protective reflex has blocked themselves from feeling certain parts of their body. They do this instinctively by freezing the affected area. If you touch a hot stove, immediately, your hand is drawn back into your center and will remain tucked into your side, frozen, until the pain is gone. A soldier, shot in the stomach will reflexively curl up, clutching the wound as they hobble off to safety. A victim of sexual abuse may disconnect from their pelvis, tightening the muscles around their groin and lower abdomen.

In a normal, healthy world, these postures, these reflexes would only last as long as it took the person to get to safety and consciously feel that they are free from harm. But in a world where we are constantly inundated with trauma, stress, sensory overload sometimes we forget to let go. We keep holding on to our wounds, protecting them from further injury.

And in this way, our own bodies become the dark clouds that obscure light. In this way, over time, the borders of where we exist start to draw back and darkness, the absence of light starts to creep towards us.

But also in this way, with understanding or natural process, we can proceed. Venturing forward with the knowledge of what is and what isn’t, we can start to move with the light, knowing that all we have to do is bring light and the darkness will peel away. With the guidance of a Hanna Somatic Educator, trauma victims can recover pain-free movements in areas of their body and in this way recover their sense of wholeness, of light shining throughout all parts of their inner universe.

And so back in my meditation I sat further and observed these borders of my inner darkness. And bit by bit, little waves of sensation start to creep over the borders. And bit by bit what did not exist springs into being with the vibrancy of a young flower breaking through ground cover. Bit by bit, light returned to what was once dark and there was knowledge and there was life and there was intense sensation and deep ache of old trauma, but at least there was not nothing.

And back on that Mural, the sun rises and a grafitti artist’s words spring into being, into action, into the mind of a writer, the research of a physicist and the reality of our universe.